The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
