I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
