My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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