Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
