I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
