She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
