I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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