he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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