so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
