I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
