can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
