bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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