Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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