matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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