These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
