i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
