Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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