Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
