My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Randomize
