i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
