I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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