If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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