so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
