i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
