Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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