You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
