Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
My life is pants optional.
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