I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
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