i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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