i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
love makes seman taste better
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
