do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
