Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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