put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
