If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
