Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
