Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
