barbara walters just said penis...
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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