I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
