im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Randomize
