She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
