So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
