I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
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