At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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