Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
