if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I touched a dick in church today
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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