is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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