My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
