my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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