I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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