Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
