The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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